A Decision

As most of you know, I have made the decision to stay in Honduras for another year of teaching. I have received a mix of emotions from family and friends, and even myself, but I thought it would be good to explain my thought processes and reasoning behind this tough decision to come back for a second year.

If I were being totally honest with myself, I would say that I have known since October that I wanted to come back and teach in La Unión again. That is about the time that I had truly fallen in love with my little kiddos and could not bear the idea of saying goodbye to them (just yet). I have grown more and more attached to them and cannot bring myself to tell them that I would only be a part of their lives for one year, and break their little hearts. They are my first class so I will always possess a strong affection for them, but being with them feels a little different. Everything in their lives is so temporary here. Half of my students do not live with their biological parents; they have spent their short lives bouncing around between family members until something happens and someone else has to step up. As well, death is far too common here. I have never been around this many people who have experienced the death of a loved one just within the 7 months that I have been here. It’s like they just never know when someone is going to leave whether by choice or by a fatality. Their homes are equally as temporary since they are constantly switching houses. I envision my house as a safe haven and somewhere that I can retreat to, but I’m sure that my students would never describe their homes that way. No one has any real possessions here either. I’ve been told that someone’s signature is the most valuable thing they can call their own because they have nothing else to really claim or identify themselves with. Can you hear my heart breaking for them?! They mean way too much to me to just float right through their lives!

They have never had a teacher, besides Jake, stay in the five years that foreign teachers have been a part of the school in La Unión. Kara, Lenny, and myself are the ones who are returning, and when I was considering whether to stay or go, I could not help but think about how cool it would be to not only have one, but three (additional) teachers stay! What better way to show and tell these students that we care about them and their success than deciding to be a part of it all for another go around? I wanted to be a part of something real, concrete, permanent in their lives. I have fallen in love with them and I never want them to doubt that. They are great kids and I could not pass up the opportunity to keep supporting them, challenging them, and being a role model for them. Even though I will not teach my current 3^rd graders next year, I have simply fallen too deep in love with them to leave them right now.

Whenever I am driving through the countryside here, I cannot help but feel overwhelmed by the poverty that engulfs these communities. I seriously wonder how anyone gets out of this place without an education. The public school system is a disaster so without schools like Abundant Life, kids are destined to a life of coffee farming or being a housewife. They will just continue the chain of living in poverty and pass it on to the next generation. I whole-heartedly believe in what Abundant Life provides and does for its students. This school is the best chance they have of creating a brighter future for themselves, and I am proud to be a part of it. I want these students to know that I strongly believe that they are capable and fully-equipped to do great things outside of what La Unión has to offer. Next year is the first graduating class from the La Unión school and I want to be there for it. I want to continue to support them as they finish out their classes here and move on to a higher education. Some of them are looking to go to school in the States or to attend a university in Honduras, either way I want to help them accomplish their dreams in any way that I can. I have loved pushing and supporting them through their trials, and then celebrating them with their victories.

Despite the emotional bonds that I have built to this place, I felt like it was valuable to my career to stay for another year. I have put in a lot (and I mean A LOT) of work into this year and teaching my kiddos. I would like to be able to put that work into another year of teaching in the same place. The materials (quizzes, tests, worksheets, activities, etc.) that I have created would not be able to be used in another setting because these students are so unique. I could use bits of pieces of what I have made, but I would like to be able to use it all. It is good for a teacher to try things, fail, and be able to try again. I feel like I would have more success next year already knowing what the group of students will be like (academically, behaviorally, and culturally) so I know better what to expect. I know what their English is like, where their general academic level is, what their parents/families are like, what their homes and community are like, and how to effectively manage and teach them.

Still, the biggest influence I felt to stay was coming from the Lord. Have you ever read the book, A Hole in the Gospel? Add it to your list if you have not because it is an excellent book about what it means (and looks like) to be a Christian outside of the church. It is such a convicting book; I read it when I first moved down here and it made me feel more confident about my initial decision to teach in La Unión, and now its words have been ringing in my ears and pushing me to keep serving in this community. Teaching with Abundant Life has never been about me. Sure I have always dreamt of teaching internationally, but that came from my desire to serve in God’s kingdom. God gave me a heart for children, especially those living in poverty. He’s been building up my heart and spirit for this kind of job for years through all the mission trips I have been blessed to be a part of. In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps. – Proverbs 16:9. La Unión is not exactly a paradise destination, the school is not the best paying job, and I would never label this area as my ‘comfort zone.’ But I knew all of that before accepting the position. It’s always been about the people I would get to serve. I envisioned the tiny little faces that I would see every day and fall in love with, and their futures that I would contribute to making better. I personally would never vacation here, but this is where they call home; I may not get the dream salary, but now they have a chance to one day because of this education; and I may never be entirely comfortable here, but all of the discomforts I feel are part of their daily lives and the only things they have ever known. I am beyond ok with sacrificing here and there just to fulfill the call God has given me to do this kind of work. It’s his voice that I have heard whispering in my ear and telling me that my work is not done here; he’s been calling me to stay.

Now, it has not been an easy decision. Although I mentioned that I’ve ‘known’ since October that I would stay, the weeks leading up to my choice and even following it, have been the definition of challenging and almost gut-wrenching enough to make me change my mind. In fact, if I had told Jake that I wanted more time before deciding, I would have told him no in the end. There were (slash, still are) two big things holding me back from feeling entirely confident in my decision: home and the administration. I miss home. I miss my parents, siblings, friends, pets, the comforts that I have grown up with… all of it. I do have a new family here with my coworkers and I have established a new daily routine for myself, but it can be exhausting to always feel this challenged day to day. I feel like I have been missing out on all my family’s and friends’ lives, and I just want to be able to call them whenever I want! I miss their hugs and getting to just sit (be in their presence) and talk with them all. It’s hard to move so far away and be this isolated from the world that I am familiar with, but it helps that I have a great support system with the other teachers and I have grown to depend greatly on Christ since he will always be a constant in my life, no matter how far away I go.

The administration has been the killer lately. They have been extremely frustrating to work under. I come home physically tired from keeping up with my wild animals every day and mentally exhausted from the administration. This is Honduras and I have to remember that there will be cultural differences, but sometimes it feels like common courtesy is all that is needed. Communication is our biggest difficulty between the teachers and the administration because there is an immense lack of it. We find things out via the students, signs, or are just plain surprised as the news is sprung upon us. Unfortunately, we are hardly ever told something directly from our principal, but we are trying to fix that. There are just a lot of things that I disagree with and know that schools in the States would do differently. I am trying to be patient through it all and remember that I am at the school for the students and I am more concerned about their happiness than mine.

After weighing all the pros and cons, talking to people with opinions that I value, and praying fervently, I reached the conclusion that I need to stay. As I said, my work here is not done and I will not leave until I feel comfortable and confident that I have contributed all that I can. Please pray alongside of me that I find that confidence (again) about choosing to return to Honduras in August. (For any of you wondering, yes, I will be home for the summer!) I do now want to be defeated by these negative and doubting thoughts. God is doing amazing work here through the teachers that give up their year to teach and through the students who are daily blessings. 

A Progress Report

We have made it half way through the year, and survived! I can genuinely say that I am extremely proud of this little bunch of kiddos that make up my 3^rd grade class. It took me a while at first to notice their progress but their slow improvements have finally made themselves known to me. (It’s kind of like the phenomenon of looking at yourself in the mirror every day and not noticing how you are getting older until you look at a picture from a year ago.) If they are already amazing me now, I cannot wait to see them at the end of the year! Sure, there are days that I want to hang them by their toes from the ceiling and I am practically kicking them out the door with the final bell, but I spend more days bragging about how adorable and clever they are. I find myself thanking the Lord frequently for letting me be a part of their lives in this small way and my heart has been growing bigger and bigger the more that I am falling in love with these little faces:

Hegna: She is my sassiest girl. She has a stink eye that could scare you but she has a laugh that will melt your heart. Her least favorite class is Math, and it’s obvious. I had to send home flashcards to give her an extra boost with multiplication and she is already turning into a multiplying queen! Basic English is her strongest class because she does really well with the translations of vocabulary words. I love her attitude in class because she’s always trying and will keep raising her hand no matter how many times she gets the answer wrong. She is also the little heart breaker of the class. All of the boys are hypnotized by her beauty and spunk, but she shows no true interest in a single one of them.

Keidy: She is the perfectionist. She always has to be the best in every way possible: she has to have the prettiest drawing, all the right answers, and she is always asking me to check her work to make sure each tiny step is done right. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate her hard work and am always impressed with her high grades, but it would not hurt her or me for her to grow some independence. I determine if something was too hard if even she scored a low grade on it. Every free minute she has in class she is begging me for the whiteboard marker so that she can express her love for me with pictures and words on the board; or she is doing her best impression of me and pretending to be a teacher. She is my little blessing because she reminds me of God’s love every day and prays for my entire family.

Kensy: She is the most mature girl. Not only is she the oldest, but she is the wisest. I am obsessed with the are-you-kidding glare she gives the boys because she very well knows that they are all ridiculous. She is always willing to help me out with house-keeping things like reorganizing my bookshelf, putting worksheets in alphabetical order, or keeping my desk clean and orderly – I have no need to ever hire a secretary! Her mom lives in California and has been there almost all her life; but she does get regular gifts from her mom and we have the same stickers. She just learned English last year but she is a star in the class. She always impresses me when she thinks outside the box and gives me answers that I never would have expected from these students.

Yeri: She is my math prodigy. I have a soft spot in my heart for this little girl because she is the best at math just like I was in school! She can beat anyone and everyone when we do our multiplication mad-minutes. (Sometimes, I think she could even do better than my 9^th grade math students.) She is also one of the hardest working students so I am a little extra proud whenever she gets excellent grades. She may be a little on the shy side, but her gentleness is something I appreciate daily. She has shown a recent obsession in telling me how much she loves me, which means I get about 3 cut-out hearts a day. She is going to be beautiful when she is older so I desperately want to teach her to keep her innocence and head on straight now before all those wicked boys try to get to her!

Wendy: She is the girly girl. She is always sporting some cute hair accessory or a stylish purse. In fact, she has not taken off the Ecuador purse that I gifted to all the girls for Christmas, you would have to surgically remove it from her side. She is the lowest of all the girls but she never stops trying. The smile that comes to her face whenever I tell her that she did a great job on an assignment or that I am proud of her, is priceless. I wish I could give her the confidence that I have in her abilities, because I am sure her grades would start getting better with that change in attitude. She lives close to my house and yells hello whenever I pass by; everyone in her immediate and extended family know who I am now so they shout my name too! She showers with me hugs, pinches my cheek like an old lady, and kisses me goodbye at the end of the day – I am thankful for her loving personality every single day.

Darwing: He is my whimsical child. He is easily the poorest of all my students; he lives high up in the mountains and has no electricity in his house. I attribute his simple living style to his constant amazement with the world around him. He is so curious to learn about and play with new things! I love his excited face when he is discovering something for the first time. His go-to move is to wrap his tie around his head and stand on his desk because he is an ‘Indian.’ He can be a little too fidgety sometimes but I try not to let that taint my opinion of him. He brings a lot to the class when he participates and shares his answers. He is a true boy’s boy because he loves and is good at both science and math, but seems significantly less interested in classes like Reading and Language. He is quite smart, now he just needs to apply himself a little more!

Elman: He has stolen my heart. This little one does not have a very solid family so he spends a lot of time with me, and his grandmother says I am like a second mother to him. Every morning he runs up to me with a giant smile and gives me the biggest hug. Unfortunately he is, without a doubt, my lowest student. He tries hard and I spend a lot of time outside of class tutoring him, but he has a hard time grasping English and nothing he learns seems to stick with him. He speaks more in sounds than in whole words. I do not want to see him fail but it is a struggle teaching him. If the school took it seriously and could provide him with the necessary help, I would recommend he be tested for a learning disability.

Gabriel: He is the discreet trouble-maker; he’s cheeky and adorable, and he knows it. He is the heartthrob of the class and already occupying all his time trying to land, and maintain, a girlfriend. He knows that if he just flashes his smile then I cannot stay mad at him for too long. However, he misbehaves more often that I like and is very sneaky about it. Typically when someone is in trouble, I can trace it back to him. I recently found out that he does not have a father so perhaps that is where his defiance and troublesome attitude stem from. He is one of my brightest students all around so I never have to worry about him not understanding something. He is really helpful in class with aiding the other students and translating when necessary.

Geovanny: He is the crazy kid of the class. I have the hardest time teaching him – both academically and with his behavior – because he has not gotten a good hold on English. He hardly ever fully understands what I am saying to him and cannot translate words that even 1^st graders could tell me the meaning of. Since he does not understand me, the teacher, he is never mentally in class. He is easily distracted and has no problem distracting the others. He is, however, decently good in Math which makes me realize that he is not necessarily an unintelligent kid, it’s just the English that is holding him back. Thankfully he still has his cute moments. I can always count on him to pretend he is a racecar driver every single time he gets out of his desk to get a marker.

Juan: He is my little snuggle-bug. He is never too far away from holding onto my hand, wrapping his arms around my waist, or laying his head in my lap. I am in love with his little smile and gentle demeanor! He is also one of the lower students but I have been working a lot more with him lately and he is improving. I was able to cooperate with his mom to encourage him to behave better in my class. He wants to learn and be a good student, he just needs a little extra support and help. Since that chat with his mother, Juan has been making leaps and bounds with his academic performance! A fascinating part of Juan is how identical he looks to his older brother. His brother goes to the public school but if you saw him walking in the street, you would know instantly that the two are related. They have the same tiny-shaped head and skinny little body, and it never ceases to crack me up.

Julio: He is the odd-ball. I have not quite figured out what makes Julio tick yet, but he is growing on me. He is quirky and I cannot help but laugh when he stares at me with those bug-eyes. He is slower than most of the class but works really hard to stay caught up. He is one that is constantly making me proud and feeling like a good teacher with his progress. I had the best Parent-Teacher Conference these past meetings with his mom because we could both celebrate in his significant improvements! He is an artist and loves drawing and color, a little too much sometimes. I am constantly asking him to put away the markers, and I haven’t quite figured out yet whether I should punish him or hug him when he interrupts my lesson, mid-sentence, to give me a beautiful drawing he’s made.

Marco: He is the man in a boy’s body. He is a tough guy, but has his sweetheart moments. He never leaves school without giving me a hug; it’s almost like it’s physically impossible for him to do so. I love and look forward to the days when he brings me flowers in the morning! He does not like to admit when he needs help. I am sure that his grades would be better if he asked more questions in class. On the other hand, he is super eager to participate in class and is always the first one with his hand raised. I love that kind of attitude! His enthusiasm for answering my questions is a great model for the rest of the students.

Rolando: Even though I probably should not admit it, he is my favorite student. He is the definition of precious. He is the best-behaved boy and a star in everything he does. He puts forth the greatest effort in all his studies and he normally gets the grades to show it. Language and Basic English are his strongest classes in which he outshines his other high-achieving peers. He works a little slower in Math but never quits until he fully masters the concept. He is not afraid to ask questions and surprises me with his higher-level thinking. He also showers me with love daily. If I am ever having a bad day I just find Rolando and get a bear-hug from this little angel! My heart just melts into his when he looks up at me from being wrapped around my waist with those big brown eyes  and lets out a small, soft giggle; it is pure joy for me.

I wish you could personally meet each one of my munchkins because they are such a big part of my life here. Not only do I spend every school day with them in our always-seemingly-chaotic classroom, but I also see them a lot on the weekends and frequently open up my house and fridge to them. No matter how tired I get of spending so much time with them, they never seem to get enough of me and want to spend every free minute hanging on me or playing with me. I do not feel like I deserve their love every day because even when I punish them or am steaming from my ears out of frustration with them, they quickly forget that we are bad terms and squeeze the anger out of me with their hugs. How could I possibly have gotten so lucky to be their teacher?

Please pray for each one of these kiddos by name. Pray for their well-being in and out of school. They live such fragile lives here and always need God’s protection and guidance. Thank God for the member of their families who support them when everyone seems to not care. Pray for their health in this dirty town that spreads sicknesses like wildfire. And pray for the people who are paying their tuition at this school – whether their own family can afford the price or they are being sponsored – and giving them that precious chance at better and brighter future. I am so proud of them and I know that you would be too within five minutes of meeting them. I pray that no one overlooks their individual greatness!