If
I were being totally honest with myself, I would say that I have known since
October that I wanted to come back and teach in La Unión again. That is about
the time that I had truly fallen in love with my little kiddos and could not
bear the idea of saying goodbye to them (just yet). I have grown more and more
attached to them and cannot bring myself to tell them that I would only be a
part of their lives for one year, and break their little hearts. They are my
first class so I will always possess a strong affection for them, but being
with them feels a little different. Everything in their lives is so temporary
here. Half of my students do not live with their biological parents; they have
spent their short lives bouncing around between family members until something
happens and someone else has to step up. As well, death is far too common here.
I have never been around this many people who have experienced the death of a
loved one just within the 7 months that I have been here. It’s like they just
never know when someone is going to leave whether by choice or by a fatality. Their
homes are equally as temporary since they are constantly switching houses. I
envision my house as a safe haven and somewhere that I can retreat to, but I’m
sure that my students would never describe their homes that way. No one has any
real possessions here either. I’ve been told that someone’s signature is the
most valuable thing they can call their own because they have nothing else to
really claim or identify themselves with. Can you hear my heart breaking for them?! They mean way too much to me to just float right through their lives!
They
have never had a teacher, besides Jake, stay in the five years that foreign
teachers have been a part of the school in La Unión. Kara, Lenny, and myself
are the ones who are returning, and when I was considering whether to stay or
go, I could not help but think about how cool it would be to not only have one,
but three (additional) teachers stay! What better way to show and tell these
students that we care about them and their success than deciding to be a part
of it all for another go around? I wanted to be a part of something real,
concrete, permanent in their lives. I have fallen in love with them and I never
want them to doubt that. They are great kids and I could not pass up the
opportunity to keep supporting them, challenging them, and being a role model
for them. Even though I will not teach my current 3rd graders next
year, I have simply fallen too deep in love with them to leave them right now.
Whenever
I am driving through the countryside here, I cannot help but feel overwhelmed
by the poverty that engulfs these communities. I seriously wonder how anyone
gets out of this place without an education. The public school system is a
disaster so without schools like Abundant Life, kids are destined to a life of
coffee farming or being a housewife. They will just continue the chain of
living in poverty and pass it on to the next generation. I whole-heartedly
believe in what Abundant Life provides and does for its students. This school
is the best chance they have of creating a brighter future for themselves, and
I am proud to be a part of it. I want these students to know that I strongly
believe that they are capable and fully-equipped to do great things outside of
what La Unión has to offer. Next year is the first graduating class from the La
Unión school and I want to be there for it. I want to continue to support them
as they finish out their classes here and move on to a higher education. Some
of them are looking to go to school in the States or to attend a university in
Honduras, either way I want to help them accomplish their dreams in any way
that I can. I have loved pushing and supporting them through their trials, and
then celebrating them with their victories.
Despite
the emotional bonds that I have built to this place, I felt like it was
valuable to my career to stay for another year. I have put in a lot (and I mean
A LOT) of work into this year and teaching my kiddos. I would like to be able
to put that work into another year of teaching in the same place. The materials
(quizzes, tests, worksheets, activities, etc.) that I have created would not be
able to be used in another setting because these students are so unique. I
could use bits of pieces of what I have made, but I would like to be able to
use it all. It is good for a teacher to try things, fail, and be able to try
again. I feel like I would have more success next year already knowing what the
group of students will be like (academically, behaviorally, and culturally) so
I know better what to expect. I know what their English is like, where their
general academic level is, what their parents/families are like, what their
homes and community are like, and how to effectively manage and teach them.
Still,
the biggest influence I felt to stay was coming from the Lord. Have you ever
read the book, A Hole in the Gospel? Add it to your list if you have not
because it is an excellent book about what it means (and looks like) to be a
Christian outside of the church. It is such a convicting book; I read it when I
first moved down here and it made me feel more confident about my initial decision
to teach in La Unión, and now its words have been ringing in my ears and
pushing me to keep serving in this community. Teaching with Abundant Life has
never been about me. Sure I have always dreamt of teaching internationally, but
that came from my desire to serve in God’s kingdom. God gave me a heart for
children, especially those living in poverty. He’s been building up my heart
and spirit for this kind of job for years through all the mission trips I have
been blessed to be a part of. In their hearts humans
plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps. – Proverbs 16:9. La Unión is not exactly a paradise destination,
the school is not the best paying job, and I would never label this area as my ‘comfort
zone.’ But I knew all of that before accepting the position. It’s always been
about the people I would get to serve. I envisioned the tiny little faces that I
would see every day and fall in love with, and their futures that I would
contribute to making better. I personally would never vacation here, but this
is where they call home; I may not get the dream salary, but now they have a
chance to one day because of this education; and I may never be entirely
comfortable here, but all of the discomforts I feel are part of their daily
lives and the only things they have ever known. I am beyond ok with sacrificing
here and there just to fulfill the call God has given me to do this kind of
work. It’s his voice that I have heard whispering in my ear and telling me that
my work is not done here; he’s been calling me to stay.
Now,
it has not been an easy decision. Although I mentioned that I’ve ‘known’ since
October that I would stay, the weeks leading up to my choice and even following
it, have been the definition of challenging and almost gut-wrenching enough to
make me change my mind. In fact, if I had told Jake that I wanted more time
before deciding, I would have told him no in the end. There were (slash, still
are) two big things holding me back from feeling entirely confident in my
decision: home and the administration. I miss home. I miss my parents, siblings,
friends, pets, the comforts that I have grown up with… all of it. I do have a
new family here with my coworkers and I have established a new daily routine
for myself, but it can be exhausting to always feel this challenged day to day.
I feel like I have been missing out on all my family’s and friends’ lives, and I
just want to be able to call them whenever I want! I miss their hugs and getting
to just sit (be in their presence) and talk with them all. It’s hard to move so
far away and be this isolated from the world that I am familiar with, but it
helps that I have a great support system with the other teachers and I have
grown to depend greatly on Christ since he will always be a constant in my
life, no matter how far away I go.
The
administration has been the killer lately. They have been extremely frustrating
to work under. I come home physically tired from keeping up with my wild
animals every day and mentally exhausted from the administration. This is Honduras
and I have to remember that there will be cultural differences, but sometimes
it feels like common courtesy is all that is needed. Communication is our
biggest difficulty between the teachers and the administration because there is
an immense lack of it. We find things out via the students, signs, or are just
plain surprised as the news is sprung upon us. Unfortunately, we are hardly
ever told something directly from our principal, but we are trying to fix that.
There are just a lot of things that I disagree with and know that schools in
the States would do differently. I am trying to be patient through it all and
remember that I am at the school for the students and I am more concerned about
their happiness than mine.
After
weighing all the pros and cons, talking to people with opinions that I value,
and praying fervently, I reached the conclusion that I need to stay. As I said,
my work here is not done and I will not leave until I feel comfortable and
confident that I have contributed all that I can. Please pray alongside of me
that I find that confidence (again) about choosing to return to Honduras in
August. (For any of you wondering, yes, I will be home for the summer!) I do
now want to be defeated by these negative and doubting thoughts. God is doing
amazing work here through the teachers that give up their year to teach and
through the students who are daily blessings.
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